We’ve all been there: It’s 2 a.m., and you’re fighting the urge to do something… dramatic.
It could be checking their DMs while they’re in the shower. Or “forgetting” your wallet to see if they’ll pay. Or pulling away—just a little—to see if they’ll “fight” for you. We call these “tests.” And they’re the single fastest way to sabotage an excellent relationship. We do it because we’re human. We’re insecure. We’re looking for validation.
But here’s the problem. We’re seeking trust through deception. The data is crystal clear on what actually makes a relationship work. A 2025 YouGov survey asked Americans what the keys to a successful relationship are. The answers weren’t “mystery” (only 8% said this) or “shared background” (20%).
The number one, non-negotiable factor, with 94% of Americans agreeing, is Trust. That’s immediately followed by honesty (92%) and respect (91%). These “tests” are almost always doomed to fail because they are a direct attack on 94% of the relationship (the trust) you’re supposedly trying to build.
Why? Because they “only foster more insecurity” and “set up roadblocks.” Worse, “Many partners flunk a relationship test without knowing an examination has been given.” Here are the most common tests and what experts say they’re really doing to your relationship.
The ‘loyalty check‘ or ‘jealousy test‘
You create a fake account to “slide into their DMs.” Or, worse, you ask a friend to flirt with them. This has become a massive and toxic trend on TikTok, where people “bait” their partners to see if they’ll “fail” the test by responding.
Let’s be blunt: relationship experts call this “an act of manipulation.” The goal is to test their loyalty, but the method is deception. The entire premise is flawed. You are putting more trust in a stranger on the internet (or your “flirty” friend) than you are in your own partner.
A psychologist writing for Psychology Today warns that this kind of testing “can harm trust” and “can drive… partners away.” This “loyalty test” is doomed because it guarantees a loss of trust, no matter the outcome. Think about it.
Scenario A: They “fail” the test. They flirt back. The relationship is over, and you’ve confirmed your fears.
Scenario B: They “pass” the test. They reject the advance. But… what happens when they (inevitably) find out you’re the one who set them up? Now, their trust in you is completely shattered.
You set out to test their loyalty and, in the process, proved that you are not a trustworthy person. Research is unequivocal: trying to make a partner jealous is “more likely to damage the relationship than to make them appreciate you more.”
The ‘phone snooping‘ test
You know this one. They’re in the shower, and their phone lights up. You just… look. Or maybe it’s a full-on, password-entering, deep-dive into their DMs, texts, and call logs. This behavior is shockingly common.
A WhistleOut survey found that 36% of Americans admit to snooping on their partner’s phone. A different study by BankMyCell was even more specific, finding 68% of men and 47% of women admitted to spying. A majority of Americans (58%) actually think snooping is “okay.”
We justify it because we believe we’re on a righteous hunt for “the truth.” But snooping is one of the most effective ways to destroy a relationship. The drive to snoop is “rooted in profound pain” and a “longing to regain control.” However, the behavior “often creates more problems than it solves.” This creates a trap. The snooper feels like a victim, but by snooping, they have also become a perpetrator.
Even if you find nothing (and 44% of snoopers find nothing incriminating), you’ve already poisoned the well. Why? Because you’ve broken their trust.
The ‘silent treatment‘ or ‘withdrawal‘ test
This test is passive-aggressive. You intentionally stop texting back to see how long it takes them to notice. Or you pull away emotionally, acting cold and distant, to “test” if they will pursue you. This is one of the most damaging “tests” you can use. But we need to be very specific.
The Gottman Institute, the leading research group on couples, makes a critical distinction: “Stonewalling” vs. “The Silent Treatment.” This is a game-changing insight. Stonewalling is a defensive “freeze” response. Your partner is emotionally “flooded” or overwhelmed and shuts down to self-preserve. It’s not malicious, but it’s not healthy. The Silent Treatment is offensive. It’s an intentional, manipulative tactic used to “punish, control, or express displeasure.”
People who use the silent treatment as a “test” are not just “taking space.” They are weaponizing silence to create anxiety and gain power. The goal is to see how the other person reacts. Will they beg? Will they apologize? This makes it an intentional act of control, not a reactive act of overwhelm.
It’s a form of “covert, destructive conflict.” For the person on the receiving end, the psychological damage is immense. It’s designed to make you feel invisible. It triggers “feelings of rejection,” “increased anxiety,” and “loneliness and isolation.” It is not a “test.” It’s a form of “emotional abuse.“
The ‘orange peel‘ and other viral TikTok tests
You’ve probably seen these. The “Orange Peel Theory.” The “Bird Test.” The “Ketchup Test.” The “Orange Peel Theory” is the most famous: You ask your partner to peel an orange for you.
If they do it, happily, they’re a keeper. They love doing small “acts of service” for you. If they hand you the unpeeled orange and say, “do it yourself,” TikTok comments will scream, “Red flag! Dump him!“
These “tests” are all over social media, with the #orangepeeltheory hashtag hitting over 140 million uses. The real toxicity of these tests isn’t the test itself. It’s the public, performative nature of them. The test (e.g., ketchup, orange peel) is filmed. The “failure” is then posted “in the public domain” for millions to see.
The tester is seeking validation not from their partner, but from strangers in the comments section.
These tests are a “great way to erode trust.” Maybe your partner would have peeled the orange, but you filmed them without asking, and now they’re annoyed. Or perhaps they just had a long day and don’t want to get orange gunk under their nails.
The ‘financial‘ or ‘gold digger‘ test
This one is as old as time, and it’s ugly. The “test” can go two ways:
- The “Pretending to be Poor” Test: You “downplay your wealth” or “pretend to be broke” to “turn away gold diggers.”
- The “Inexpensive Gift” Test: You intentionally give a “thoughtful, but inexpensive, present” to see how they react. If they’re disappointed, they “fail.”
Money is a huge factor in relationships. So, wanting a partner with similar financial values makes sense. But this “test” is not the way to do it. The “gold digger test” is doomed because the tester is committing the very sin they’re trying to avoid.
The tester is afraid of a partner who is deceptive about money (a “gold digger,”). So, the tester lies about their own finances. Experts have a term for this: “financial infidelity.” It’s defined as “intentionally failing to disclose” financial behavior to a partner. That’s precisely what this “test” is.
And the data? 75% of people say financial deceit has negatively affected their relationships. You are starting a relationship with “financial infidelity” to see if your partner is a “gold digger.”
The ‘ultimatum‘ test
This is the “nuclear option” test. “If you don’t [propose by June / move in with me / quit talking to your ex], we are done.” It’s a “test” of their commitment, held hostage. Many of us do this, thinking we’re “setting a healthy boundary.”
This is the most critical insight you will read today: An ultimatum is NOT a boundary. Experts are begging us to learn the difference.
A boundary is about YOUR actions and limits.
- Expert example: “I can’t continue the conversation when you raise your voice at me.“
- The Gottman Institute says a boundary is about your limits and what you will and will not do. It’s about self-respect.
An ultimatum is about THEIR actions and control.
- Expert example: “If you raise your voice again, I’m leaving you.”
- Expert example: “You have to propose to me, or I’m gone.”
Ultimatums are not a sign of strength; they are a sign of desperation. You feel trapped and out of control. You’ve probably tried to resolve the issue, but it hasn’t worked. So, as a “last resort,” you issue the ultimatum. This is an “all-or-nothing situation.”
This test is doomed because it “only further reduces the relationship’s survival chances.” Even if they “pass” and give in, you’ve now built a future on “anger and resentment”, not love. You’ve forced a choice, not inspired one.
What to do instead of ‘testing‘ (the only ‘test‘ that works)
Okay, so we agree. Tests are toxic. They’re deceptive, manipulative, and “a great way to erode trust.” So what do you do when you feel that 2 a.m. anxiety creeping in?
The antidote to all this fear is vulnerability. The reason we “test” is because we are terrified of being vulnerable. A “test” is a “self-protective” hack to get an answer without actually asking the question and risking hearing an answer we don’t like. The solution is to stop hacking and start asking.
Stop testing. Start talking. Therapists call this “asking for reassurance,” and there’s a healthy way to do it.
Use “I” Statements. This isn’t about accusing. It’s about owning your feelings.
- Instead of testing: Giving them the silent treatment to see if they notice you’re sad.
- Say this: “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you for a while.”
- Instead of testing: Snooping their phone to see if they’re mad at you.
- Say this: “I’m feeling a little insecure, and my anxiety is telling me you’re mad at me. Can you remind me that you love me?“
This is the real “test.” Do you have the courage to be vulnerable and communicate your needs?
The ultimate expert-backed solution comes from Dr. John Gottman. His research proved that the best relationships don’t “test” each other. They “turn towards” each other.
“Turning towards” is acknowledging your partner’s “bids” for connection—their sighs, their “hey, look at this bird,” their requests for an orange. This is the most important statistic in this entire article. Gottman’s research followed couples for six years. The couples who stayed married “turned towards” each other 86% of the time. Only 33% of couples who got divorced did so. That’s it. That’s the whole secret.
The only “test” is this: Can you and your partner build a “trust account” so high that communication becomes “easy, instant, and effective,” as author Stephen R. Covey said? Stop setting traps. Start building trust.
Key Takeaway
A recent survey found 94% of Americans agree that trust is the most critical factor for a successful relationship. The problem with “relationship tests“—from snooping to silent treatment—is that they are forms of manipulation and deception. They are a direct attack on the very trust you’re so desperate to find.
These tests are doomed to fail because they are a symptom of fear, but the only solution for a healthy relationship is vulnerability. Instead of setting traps, use the expert-backed “Gottman method“: couples who stay married “turn towards” each other’s bids for connection 86% of the time. Be brave enough to ask for reassurance directly.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
Disclosure: This article was developed with the assistance of AI and was subsequently reviewed, revised, and approved by our editorial team.
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