According to the Pew Research Center, nearly one-third of U.S. adults (29%) now identify as religiously unaffiliated—atheist, agnostic, or “nothing in particular.” That’s a massive jump from just 5% in 1990. About 90 million Americans have switched from the religion they grew up with. For many, this isn’t a simple case of “losing faith.” It’s an active, often grueling process that’s been dubbed “faith deconstruction.”
Psychologists describe it as a journey that can be loaded with “anxiety, guilt, anger, confusion, and fear,” even as it brings feelings of liberation. So, when someone you care about shares that they’ve walked away, what you say following matters—a lot. While you probably mean well, some common responses can feel like pouring salt in a very fresh wound.
Here are 15 of those phrases, accompanied by expert context and data on why they can do more harm than good.
“You were never a true Christian.”
Why It Stings: This one is a gut punch. It completely erases a person’s history. It dismisses years—sometimes a whole lifetime—of sincere prayer, heartfelt worship, and genuine community involvement. It says, “All that time you spent believing, serving, and trying? It was all fake.“
As one Reddit user put it, it’s “so rude and disrespectful because we truly believed and wanted it to be true.”
The Reality Check: People don’t grieve things they never cared about. And leaving faith is often a process of profound grief. Psychologist Dr. Marlene Winell, a leading expert on religious trauma, says leaving a dogmatic faith is like “the end of a marriage,” complete with “grief, anger, guilt, depression, [and] lowered self-esteem.”
“You just want to sin.”
Why It Stings: This reduces a complex, agonizing intellectual and emotional journey to a cheap, hedonistic impulse. It’s an insult to the person’s character and the hard work they’ve put into their decision. It assumes the worst about them.
The Reality Check: The data tells an entirely different story. The desire to “sin” doesn’t even make the list of top reasons people leave. According to a Pew Research survey, the fundamental drivers are intellectual and institutional.
“You’re just angry at God.”
Why It Stings: While anger can be part of the emotional cocktail, this phrase dismisses legitimate intellectual or ethical problems as a simple temper tantrum. It implies the person isn’t reasoning.
For many, the issue isn’t anger at a being they believe in. It’s the slow, painful realization that they no longer believe that being exists at all.
The Reality Check: Author and pastor Brian Zahnd calls deconstruction a “crisis of Christian faith” that leads to reevaluation or abandonment. Many who leave do so after wrestling with profound philosophical issues, such as the problem of suffering or contradictions they find in scripture.
“You’ve been deceived by Satan.”
Why It Stings: This is deeply insulting. It strips a person of their intellectual agency. It suggests they’re not a thinking adult who weighed the evidence, but a passive puppet tricked by a cosmic villain. It turns their honest doubts into a demonic conspiracy.
The Reality Check: This is a classic thought-stopping technique. By blaming a supernatural evil, it avoids any need to engage with the person’s actual reasons for leaving. One Reddit user who went through this called it a “disgustingly abusive way to keep people trapped” by convincing them that their thoughts and feelings are not valid.
“It’s just a phase. You’ll be back.”
Why It Stings: Talk about condescending. This trivializes what is often one of the most monumental and gut-wrenching decisions of a person’s life. It dismisses their new worldview as a temporary whim, akin to a quirky hairstyle or a fleeting obsession with sourdough.
The Reality Check: Leaving your faith is a “major upheaval,” says Dr. Marlene Winell. It’s a moment when your “entire structure of reality” and your old definitions of life, purpose, and self no longer hold. That’s not a phase; it’s an earthquake. The data show that this isn’t just a series of individual phases—it’s a decades-long cultural trend.
“I’ll pray for you.” (said with that tone)
Why It Stings: Oh, you know the tone. It’s dripping with pity and judgment. When said with genuine care, this phrase can be a comfort. But when it’s used as a conversation-ender, it’s a passive-aggressive way of saying, “You are so lost, and I am so righteous, that I will now talk to God about your brokenness.“
The Reality Check: This phrase often serves to relieve the speaker’s conscience or to place them in a “place of spiritual superiority.” It’s less about helping the other person and more about making the speaker feel better about the uncomfortable situation.
“You’re throwing away your salvation.”
Why It Stings: This isn’t a statement of concern; it’s a threat. It uses the most terrifying concept in the faith—eternal damnation—as a tool of fear and guilt. For someone who grew up terrified of hell, this can trigger very real trauma, even if they no longer believe in it intellectually.
The Reality Check: Many people who leave have already wrestled with the doctrine of hell and found it ethically monstrous. The threat often just confirms why they left a system they see as being built on coercion. One person on Reddit, recalling being told as a teen that they would burn in hell for being intersex, said, “I was 13 and I will never forgive or forget it.“
“You’re breaking God’s heart.”
Why It Stings: This is a masterclass in emotional manipulation. It reframes a person’s brave journey of intellectual honesty as a selfish act that’s causing pain to the divine being they once loved. It’s designed to pile guilt on top of what is already a painful process.
The Reality Check: It’s a way to control someone by making them feel guilty for their thoughts and feelings.
“You’re just being rebellious.”
Why It Stings: This is another dismissive jab that writes off a person’s intellectual labor as simple, adolescent defiance. It invalidates their carefully considered conclusions by framing them as an immature rejection of authority, like a teenager slamming their bedroom door.
The Reality Check: Questioning assumptions isn’t rebellion; it’s the engine of progress and a sign of maturity. People who deconstruct are often thinking deeply for themselves for the first time. Again, the data shows the primary driver is intellectual doubt, not a desire to defy rules.
“But what about all the good the church does?”
Why It Stings: This is a classic case of whataboutism. It completely sidesteps the specific harm or valid criticisms the person has raised. It implies that the good deeds of the institution should cancel out their pain. It’s a subtle way of saying, “Your trauma isn’t as important as the organization’s PR.“
The Reality Check: Most people who leave aren’t blind to the good that religious institutions can do. According to the Pew Research Center, 41% of “nones” believe that religion does equal amounts of good and harm.
Their decision to leave is usually based on a specific, personal experience of harm or a fundamental disagreement with doctrine, not a blanket denial that churches ever help anyone.
“My experience has been nothing but positive.”
Why It Stings: This invalidates the other person’s reality by holding up your own as the standard. While you may not mean it maliciously, it centers your experience and subtly suggests, “Well, if it worked for me, the problem must be you.“
The Reality Check: Trauma is a subjective experience. As Dr. Laura Anderson explains, “Two people can grow up and experience the same home, but one can be traumatized by practices that are not traumatizing to the other.” Your positive experience is valid, but it doesn’t cancel out someone else’s negative one.
“You’re too emotional to think clearly about this.”
Why It Stings: This is a form of gaslighting, plain and simple. It dismisses a person’s viewpoint by labeling it as irrational emotion. It’s especially damaging because leaving a faith is an intensely emotional process, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t also a deeply intellectual one.
The Reality Check: The intense emotions are often the result of a logical conclusion, not the cause of it. The pain, grief, and anger usually follow when someone logically concludes that what they believed is no longer tenable.
As one podcast on the topic from Verywell Mind puts it, when emotions rise, clear thinking can decline, but that doesn’t make the reasons for the emotion invalid.
“You’re just following a trend.”
Why It Stings: This trivializes a deeply personal and often agonizing process by reducing it to a matter of social conformity, akin to purchasing skinny jeans or making whipped coffee. It suggests the person is incapable of independent thought.
The Reality Check: While deconstruction has become more visible on social media (the hashtag #deconstruction has garnered hundreds of thousands of posts), labeling it a “trend” is a misperception. It’s not a unified movement, but “more of an explosion” of individual journeys happening for very real reasons, like declining trust in institutions and political polarization.
“You’re turning your back on your family/community.”
Why It Stings: This is a classic guilt trip that places all the blame for a broken relationship on the person leaving. It completely ignores the fact that it’s often the family or community that does the rejecting.
The Reality Check: Loss of community is one of the most painful parts of leaving a faith. Most people desperately want to keep their relationships. The break often happens when the community enforces conformity.
As one Reddit user heartbreakingly shared, their mother told them they weren’t welcome at home anymore because she “didnt want me to ‘infect’ my brother and sisters.” They aren’t turning their back; they’re often being shown the door.
“So, you think you’re smarter than 2,000 years of theology?”
Why It Stings: This is an attempt to make the person feel arrogant and small. It dismisses their intellectual journey by framing it as a presumptuous challenge to all of history and tradition.
The Reality Check: It’s not about being “smarter.” It’s about having access to different information. The critical attitude of the Enlightenment has “entered into the common consciousness,” making it harder for many to sustain an unexamined faith.
People today are grappling with scientific knowledge and critical scholarship that were not part of the conversation for most of those 2,000 years.
Key Takeaway
So, what should you say? It’s simpler than you think. You don’t need to have all the answers. You need to be a good friend. The most powerful thing you can do is listen without judgment. Ask open-ended questions, such as, “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this. It sounds like this has been a long journey for you. Can you tell me more about it?”
You don’t have to agree with their conclusions to acknowledge their struggle. Use validating language. Simple phrases like “That sounds incredibly difficult” or “I can’t imagine how painful that must be” show empathy and respect for their experience. The biggest fear for someone leaving their faith is losing everyone they love. Reassure them that your relationship isn’t based on shared beliefs. A simple, “I love you, and I’m here for you no matter what,” can be the most healing thing they hear.
Ultimately, this is about people, not theological positions. Kindness and a willingness to listen are the bridges that can span even the widest of divides.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
Don’t Swipe Until You Read This: The 7 Best Credit Cards for 2025 Ranked by Rewards
The 7 Best Credit Cards for 2025 Ranked by Rewards
There’s this moment that sticks with me—standing at a checkout line, swiping my old card like I always did, and thinking, “Wait… why am I not getting anything back for this?” I wasn’t traveling on points. I wasn’t getting cash back. I was just spending. Sound familiar?
Look, the truth is, credit cards can work for you—if you choose the right one. And in 2025, you’ve got some advantageous options that can actually boost your bank account. From travel lovers to grocery haulers, there’s something for everyone.
Let’s break down the best credit cards out there this year—the ones that actually give back.
Gas Station Chains With Food So Good It’s Worth Driving Out Of Your Way For
6 Gas Station Chains With Food So Good It’s Worth Driving Out Of Your Way For
We scoured the Internet to see what people had to say about gas station food. If you think the only things available are wrinkled hot dogs of indeterminate age and day-glow slushies, we’ve got great, tasty news for you. Whether it ends up being part of a regular routine or your only resource on a long car trip, we have the food info you need.
Let’s look at 6 gas stations that folks can’t get enough of and see what they have for you to eat.
