We all know marriage is complicated. And the data doesn’t exactly make us feel cozy.
Fewer Americans are marrying than ever before. In 2024, USAFacts reported that only about 47.1% of U.S. households were headed by married couples, just a whisper above the all-time low. But here’s the good news. It’s not all doom and gloom. A 2025 industry study on the state of marriage found 68.7% of women actually feel hopeful about their marriage, believing it will improve.
So, the love is there. The hope is there. The problem usually isn’t the marriage; it’s the habits. World-renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, who can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy, found that it’s not if you fight, but how you fight, that matters.
He identified four communication styles, “The Four Horsemen,” that are so lethal they predict the end of a relationship.
Quitting those—and a few other modern habits—is the key.
Attacking their character (criticism)
We all do this, often without thinking.
First, criticism is not the same as a complaint.
A complaint is specific and focuses on a behavior: “I’m frustrated that the trash wasn’t taken out.” Criticism is a personal attack on their character: “You never help. You’re just so lazy and selfish.” See the difference? One is about an event. The other is a character assassination.
Dr. Gottman’s research shows that 96% of the time, the outcome of a conversation is determined by the first three minutes. If you start a conversation with criticism, you have just guaranteed a fight.
The fix: Use a “Gentle Start-Up,” which is Gottman’s antidote. It’s a simple formula: “I feel [your feeling] about [the specific situation], and I need [your need].“
Rolling your eyes (contempt)
This is the single most significant predictor of divorce, period.
Contempt is criticism’s evil, more toxic twin. It’s any statement or nonverbal behavior that comes from a place of superiority. Sarcasm, mockery, hostile humor, name-calling, and that classic, relationship-killing eye-roll. Dr. Gottman calls it “sulfuric acid for love.” It’s an intent to insult.
But this is the truly wild part: couples who show contempt for each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses—like colds and the flu—than couples who aren’t contemptuous.
Yes, your sarcasm is literally bad for your partner’s (and your own) physical health.
The fix: The antidote is to build a “Culture of Appreciation and Respect actively.” You have to scan your life for the things your partner is doing right and voice them out loud.
Stopping the ‘blame game‘ (defensiveness)
Defensiveness is the natural response to criticism… and it’s completely useless.
It’s defined as “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood.” It sounds like: “It’s not my fault we’re late! It’s your fault for…” (righteous indignation). Or: “Why are you always picking on me? I can’t do anything right!” (innocent victimhood).
Defensiveness is just a sneaky way of blaming your partner. It doesn’t solve the problem. It just escalates the conflict.
The fix: “Take Responsibility.” This is tough, but it’s magic. You only have to accept part of the conflict for this to work. Instead of a counterattack, just try: “You’re right. I did forget to pay that bill. I’m sorry.” Watch the fight just… deflate.
Breaking down the ‘Stonewall‘
This is the fourth and final horseman: emotionally withdrawing from the conversation.
This is when one partner just shuts down. They go silent, turn away, act busy, or start scrolling on their phone. Gottman’s research found that 85% of “stonewallers” in heterosexual relationships are men.
It’s not always a malicious act; it’s a biological one. It’s a response to “physiological flooding,” a state of “fight-or-flight.” When this happens, your heart rate spikes to over 100 beats per minute (your usual range is 60-100). Your brain is flooded with stress hormones.
You literally can’t process information, listen, or empathize. And that 85% stat? Research suggests men’s bodies are more biologically reactive to this stress and take longer to recover.
The fix: “Physiological Self-Soothing.”
Step 1: You must agree on a time-out signal (a word or gesture) to stop the fight.
Step 2: Take a break for at least 20 minutes. It takes that long for the stress hormones to leave your bloodstream.
Step 3: During that break, you must do something soothing and distracting. Listen to music, read a magazine, walk the dog. If you just sit there stewing, it won’t work.
Hiding from fights (conflict avoidance)
If you’re one of those couples that proudly say, “Oh, we never fight,” I have bad news for you. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. It just means the problem festers, and resentment quietly builds.
Dr. Gottman’s research found that 69% of all relationship problems are “perpetual.” That’s right. They are “unsolvable.” These are the fundamental personality differences or the same-old fights about money or in-laws. You will never “solve” them.
A 14-year study on divorce found two peak times for splits.
- Early Divorcers (0-7 years): They were “volatile” and “hot,” full of the Four Horsemen.
- Midlife Divorcers (10+ years): They were “cool,” “alienated,” and “avoidant.”
Avoiding conflict doesn’t save your marriage. It just delays its death until you’re those people in a restaurant eating in total, cold silence.
The fix: The goal is not to resolve conflict; it’s to manage it. You have to learn to talk about your “unsolvable” problems without criticism and contempt.
Keeping financial secrets
Experts call this “financial infidelity,” and it’s just as damaging as the sexual kind.
This is the habit of hiding debt, secret credit cards, or large purchases from your partner. And it’s incredibly common. One study found that 28% of spouses hide financial information. This habit is a marriage-killer. Fighting about money is the strongest predictor of divorce.
A study found that couples who argue about money just once a week are over 30% more likely to get divorced. It’s not about being rich or poor. It’s about trust.
The fix: Radical transparency. Experts recommend scheduling regular, calm “money dates” to review your budget, goals, and debts as a team.
‘Phubbing‘ your partner
If you’ve never heard the term, I guarantee you’ve done it.
“Phubbing” = Phone + Snubbing.
It’s the act of ignoring your partner—even for a second—to look at your phone.
A Baylor University study on “Pphubbing” (partner phubbing) found 70% of people felt cell phones interfered with their relationship. This isn’t a minor annoyance. Research shows phubbing leads to lower relationship satisfaction and even higher levels of depression.
But this is the killer: a 2012 study found the mere presence of a cell phone on the table—even if no one used it—was enough to make people feel less connected to each other.
The fix: “Put down your phone to pick up your relationship,” says Dr. Hart. Create “phone-free zones.” No phones at the dinner table. No phones in the bedroom.
Putting the kids first (and the marriage second)
It’s natural to make your kids the “centerpiece” of your life. But experts say this is a mistake. Psychologist Yvonne Thomas states it is “healthier” to prioritize your spouse. Why? A strong, loving, and supported marriage is the foundation of a happy family.
When kids see their parents as a caring team, they feel more secure, comfortable, and happy. It also models what a healthy relationship looks like, boosting their self-esteem. When marriage always comes second, resentment builds.
Kids sense that unhappiness. They may even conclude that they are the source of their parents’ stress, or that marriage itself is just an unhappy “sacrifice.”
The fix: Your marriage was the first relationship in the family. You have to protect it for your kids.
Keeping a running ‘scorecard‘
“I did the dishes last night, so it’s your turn.”
“I took the kids to soccer, so you have to do bath time.”
This is “scorekeeping,” and it turns a marriage into a “tit-for-tat” business transaction.
A long-term study found that when partners expect “something in return” for favors, their relationship satisfaction plummets over time. Love is not a ledger.
A feeling of being unappreciated often drives this habit. When labor feels “unappreciated and unfair,” people start tallying everything they do.
The fix: Shift from “me-thinking” to “we-thinking.”
A better way to keep score: Actively “track” the positive things your partner does and show gratitude for them. This often stops the “negative” scorekeeping overnight.
Assuming the worst (mind reading)
This is a cognitive trap, and we all fall into it.
Psychologists call it “Negative Sentiment Override.”
It’s when you’ve had enough negative experiences that you start to distort the present. You treat your assumptions as facts.
The classic example: You see the dishwasher is full.
- Happy Marriage Brain: “They must have been really busy.”
- Unhappy Marriage Brain: “They ignored the dishwasher on purpose, just to irritate me.”
This is “corrosive” because you’re no longer reacting to your partner. You’re responding to the imagined meaning in your head, which triggers a chain of defensiveness.
The fix: “Check it out.”
Stop assuming. Start asking. Instead of “You’re trying to annoy me,” try, “Hey, I noticed the dishwasher wasn’t running. Is everything okay?“
Using the silent treatment (withholding affection)
First, let’s be clear: this is not the same as Stonewalling (habit 4).
Stonewalling is a defensive reaction to feeling flooded.
Withholding is an offensive weapon used for punishment and control.
It’s the habit of “willfully punishing” your partner by refusing to communicate, refusing to listen, or withholding affection and sex. Experts are clear: This is a form of emotional abuse. It’s a toxic “power and control dynamic.”
This is often how a “sexless marriage” begins. And they are very common: data shows that as many as 1 in 7 married adults are in relationships with little to no sex.
The fix: This is different from a low libido, which is a medical/stress issue. If this is a pattern of control, professional help may be needed. If it’s a budding habit, the solution is to prioritize non-sexual touch. Hug, hold hands, and snuggle without it being a prelude to sex. This rebuilds the safety and trust that withholding destroys.
Chasing the ‘perfect‘ marriage
This is the habit of “unrealistic expectations.”
It’s believing in the “perfect spouse” myth, often fueled by social media-fueled trends like “trad wives” and romance novels. This is a surprisingly common reason for divorce. Studies show 45% of divorced couples cite “unrealistic expectations” as a significant factor.
We expect our partner to be our “everything,” heal our childhood wounds, and be our spiritual guru. As John Legend said, “I don’t want to present… our relationship as the ‘perfect relationship’ because… It’s too much pressure to put on anyone.”
You are guaranteed to have problems. Remember that 69% of problems are “unsolvable“?
As expert Dr. Dan Wile says, “When choosing a long-term partner… You will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.”
The fix: Recalibrate. A “good” marriage isn’t one without problems. It’s one where two people are good at managing their issues. Practice gratitude for the good, real-life partner you have, not the “perfect” one you wish you had.
Key Takeaway
So, what’s the secret sauce? It’s all about the ratio.
Dr. John Gottman’s research found a “Magic Ratio.” Stable, happy couples have five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during conflict. And in everyday, non-conflict situations, that ratio is even higher: 20 positive interactions to 1 negative.
Quitting these 12 toxic habits (like Criticism, Contempt, and Defensiveness) is the fastest way to stop the “negatives.” Building in their antidotes (like Appreciation, Gentle Start-Ups, and Gratitude) is the easiest way to add back the “positives.”
The one negative fight doesn’t define your marriage. It’s defined by the 20 small, positive moments you build every day after.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
Disclosure: This article was developed with the assistance of AI and was subsequently reviewed, revised, and approved by our editorial team.
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