I can still feel the pain of what my mother said to me 30 years ago: Why can’t you be like your brother? I was eight at that time and spilled some juice on the carpet. The seven words hurt more than any physical punishment.
The researchers found that after being regularly subjected to critical or dismissive phrases, children who underwent the exposure during their early years exhibit quantifiable changes in the patterns of stress and anxiety-related brain activity, which may persist into adulthood, as reported in a 2023 study published in the Journal of Child Development.
The point is this: our words are heavy. They influence how our children perceive themselves, their approach to challenges, and their interactions with others. However, here is the good news: you will then know which phrases to avoid, and once you recognize them, you can begin to build your child up rather than break them down.
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
This implies that you are above the law. Children are their own spies–they observe all you do. Studies from Stanford University have shown that children model behavior four times as often as they follow instructions.
Imagine telling your 10-year-old not to use their phone at dinner while you scroll through Instagram yourself. You are showing them that those in power do not need to obey their own commands. This confuses and destroys confidence.
Instead, make an effort to admit when you make mistakes. Nor should I have been on my phone. We had better put them up at dinner.
Your sister can do it–why not you?
Siblings often make comparisons that can lead to a lifetime of rivalry and resentment. In her book, “Toxic Parents,” Susan Forward discovered that 78 percent of adults who were habitually subjected to sibling comparisons continue to experience relationship problems with their siblings.
Every child matures at their own time. Your seven-year-old may not excel at math but be skilled at art, and that is perfectly fine. They are not encouraged by being compared to their brother or sister who was born with a different number.
Don’t get mad (or sad, hurt, nervous, etc.)
All you are doing by telling your child they are wrong is explaining to them that their feelings are bad. In a 2022 article, a Harvard Medical School study concluded that children whose emotions were not taken into account systematically were more anxious and depressed in their adolescence.
Emotions are not good or bad; they are information. The anger of your child may be a way for them to communicate that they feel unheard. The reason could be that they are sad and therefore require consolation.
“You’re such a burden.”
These are the words that can destroy a child’s self-esteem. Children tend to take everything personally, particularly parental criticism. Clinical studies reveal that children who often hear that they are unwanted grow up with what psychologists term toxic shame: the inner conviction that there is something very wrong with them.
They need to feel that they are essential even in the most frustrating of times. It is not their fault that they are stressed about money, work, or problems in their relationship.
“I’m so disappointed in you.”
It hurts so much with disappointment, since children desperately want to make their parents happy. This expression emphasizes the behavior itself as part of their whole being. Children will take this to mean I am a failure and not that I have failed.
In a child development study, researchers discovered that children who frequently heard their parents express disappointment displayed a lack of motivation and anxiety over trying something new.
“I wish you were more like…”
This expression gives your child the impression that they are not good enough. Personality differences are not weaknesses- they are what make people different. Your bookish, quiet child is not broken because he is not as outgoing as his cousin.
Reward their personal excellences. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and creative approach. These are exceptional qualities.”
You don’t really think that, do you?
You are discarding their point of view and training them not to trust their own thoughts. Children should be taught to think critically, which means having opinions that may not necessarily align with their own.
This phrase can quickly kill communication. Your 12-year-old may disagree with a movie, a friend, or even a family rule. Their view is essential, although it may not necessarily align with yours.
Be inquisitive rather than dismissive. “That’s interesting. Can you explain your reasons why you think so?
“You always mess things up.”
Never and always statements are killers of relationships. They establish a fixed mindset-your child begins to believe he or she is just a person who only messes up, so why try anyway?
According to recent research on growth mindset by Carol Dweck, children succeed better when they understand that skills can be developed through hard work and learning from mistakes.
Pay attention to the concrete situation. This did not all go according to plan. What would we do differently the next time?
“You’re being too sensitive.”
Sensitivity is not a personality defect; it is a character feature. Researchers describe 20 percent of children as highly sensitive. They interpret sensory data on a deeper level and experience emotions on a higher level.
When others tell parents that their children are too much, they learn to repress their natural emotional responses, and in later years, this results in anxiety and relationship issues.
Build on their emotions when learning coping skills. This may put you about. How do we manage these intense emotions?
“I told you so.”
This is something that triggers someone by kicking them when they are down. Your child has just been taught a lesson–they do not need you to add insult to injury.
Children should feel secure enough to make mistakes and turn to you for help and support. ‘ I told you so’ makes them conceal their issues with you, rather than consulting you.
Be sympathetic towards their plight. That is very frustrating. How will you do it differently next time?
You are too young to know.
This expression rejects their interest and their wit. Children can learn complex concepts, but only when those concepts are explained to them in a manner that is appropriate to their level of development.
Studies conducted by MIT indicate that children who are allowed to ask questions and receive thoughtful, non-commanding answers develop strong analytical skills and gain greater confidence in learning institutions.
Modify what you say to their level rather than bring the discussion to a halt. “That’s an excellent question. Trust me, I will present it in a way that makes sense.
“You’re such a disappointment.”
This is more than a declaration of disappointment in conduct–you are declaring their whole existence to be a disappointment. Children absorb these influences and carry them into their adulthood.
In a 20-year longitudinal study of children, calling them disappointing increased the rates of perfectionism and fear of failure in adulthood.
Split the child and the behavior. I am disappointed with this decision, but I love you and know that you will be able to make better ones.
You are an awkward/squeamish/indolent eater.
Globalizations are self-fulfilling prophecies. Insulting a child by calling them clumsy can lead them to believe they are incapable of performing physical activities. Call them lazy, and they may not even put in effort.
The brains of children are still developing. What appears to be clumsiness may be a regular part of developing coordination. Adverse eating is commonly sensory or developmental in nature.
Write a description of what you see. I saw that you have balance problems. Let us practice together; it’s better than you being so clumsy.
“I don’t care.”
Your child has shared something significant with you, and you have said that it does not matter to you. Their worry may sound like a trifle, but it matters to them in their world.
To children, I don’t care means that you do not matter to me. This destroys the basis of trust and communication in your relationship.
Take an interest in what they have to say. Do you want to tell me more about what is worrying you? I want to understand.”
Why not be like your brother/sister?
This brings competition, rather than co-operation, among siblings. The children possess varied strengths, interests, and developmental schedules. Competitions make children believe that love depends on performance.
Competition among siblings can arise from the need to compete for their parents’ attention and approval. It is this comparison that keeps this fire going rather than extinguishing it.
Value individual children. I like your good treatment of the animals. That’s such an exceptional quality.”
“What were you thinking?”
The question assails their judgment and provokes shame. The children had spent most of their time not thinking, but either acting out of impulse, feeling, or incomplete information.
The decision-making part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) and impulse control do not reach their full development until the age of 25. There is no real adult reasoning in children.
Ask with genuine curiosity. Help me understand what happened: the dialogue does not cause defensiveness, but instead creates understanding.
You are worthless/unattainable/a liability.
The words are capable of permanent psychological harm. Children trust their parents when they say they are certain things, especially during emotional moments when defenses are low.
According to clinical research, children who listen to such harsh criticisms tend to experience depression, anxiety, and relationship issues in later stages of their lives.
Your child must feel that he or she is worth something even at his or her worst. Take a breath before speaking when you think these words are coming.
Key takeaway
What we say to our children determines the inner voice they will develop throughout their lives. All the cruel expressions are placed in their memory bank to be reenacted at some difficult time in the future. However, here is the good news — it’s more convincing than positive.
Start small. Choose one of the phrases on this list that you see in your personal parenting and promise yourself that you will change it. Just pay attention to the moment when you want to use it, and stop to find an alternative word. Your future generation will be grateful to you as a parent when you put in effort.
Disclaimer–This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
Don’t swipe until you read this: The 7 best credit cards for 2025 ranked by rewards
The 7 Best Credit Cards for 2025 Ranked by Rewards
There’s this moment that sticks with me—standing at a checkout line, swiping my old card like I always did, and thinking, “Wait… why am I not getting anything back for this?” I wasn’t traveling on points. I wasn’t getting cash back. I was spending. Sound familiar?
Look, the truth is, credit cards can work for you—if you choose the right one. And in 2025, you’ve got some advantageous options that can actually boost your bank account. From travel lovers to grocery haulers, there’s something for everyone.
Let’s break down the best credit cards out there this year—the ones that actually give back.
16 grocery staples to stock up on before prices spike again
16 Grocery Staples to Stock Up On Before Prices Spike Again
I was in the grocery store the other day, and it hit me—I’m buying the same things I always do, but my bill keeps getting higher. Like, I swear I just blinked, and suddenly eggs are a luxury item. What’s going on?
Inflation, supply-chain delays, and erratic weather conditions have modestly (or, let’s face it, dramatically) pushed the prices of staples ever higher. The USDA reports that food prices climbed an additional 2.9% year over year in May 2025—and that’s after the inflation storm of 2022–2023.
So, if you’ve got room in a pantry, freezer, or even a couple of extra shelves, now might be a good moment to stock up on these staple groceries—before the prices rise later.
