People-pleasing is a self-soothing behavior rooted in a longing for approval, and or a fear of conflict or rejection.
And it’s a direct line to burnout. A staggering 79% of workers have experienced burnout at their job, according to a survey by the American Psychological Association. The emotional exhaustion, lack of personal control, and overcommitment that define people-pleasing are massive contributors to this epidemic.
What if you could trade that draining pursuit of approval for the empowering practice of self-respect? These aren’t about becoming a jerk. They’re about making power moves that put you back in the driver’s seat of your own career. As researcher and author Brené Brown puts it, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others”.
Swap External Validation for Self-Recognition
People-pleasing is a hunt for external validation. We look to others, such as our boss and colleagues, to tell us we’re doing a good job and that we’re worthy. Basing your self-worth on outside validation is like building a house on quicksand.
This need for approval is directly linked to anxiety; your self-esteem gets tangled up in how you think others see you. It creates a vicious cycle: you do something to please someone, you get a hit of validation (or you don’t, which causes panic), and then you need another fix to feel okay again. This lacks personal power.
Start validating yourself. End each day by writing down three things you did well in a “wins list” or “self-recognition journal”. Focus on your effort, not just the outcome. Instead of asking, “Did my boss like my presentation?” ask yourself, “Am I proud of the work I put into it?”. This slight shift begins to build an unshakable internal foundation of self-worth.
Embrace the “Otherish Giver” Mentality
Worried that setting boundaries will make you a selfish “taker”? Let’s bust that myth. Wharton professor Adam Grant, in his book Give and Take, found that the most successful people are often those who give. But there’s a catch.
His research indicates that givers are disproportionately represented at both the bottom and the top of success metrics. The ones at the bottom are “selfless givers”—the classic people-pleasers. They help anyone, drop everything, and burn out. The ones at the top are “otherish givers.” They’re ambitious for others, but they’re also ambitious for themselves. They protect their time and energy so they can make a bigger, more sustainable impact.
Stop being a selfless giver and become an otherish giver. You can still be generous; you do it with boundaries. You have to ask yourself: “Is this action of helping me energizing and matching my goals? Or is it bringing me down and exhausting me?” This isn’t about stopping giving, it’s just about providing more intelligently.
Reframe “No” as a Tool for Strategic Focus
For a people-pleaser, “no” feels like a four-letter word that signals conflict and disappointment. But saying yes to everything is a recipe for stress and overwhelm. This is the exact behavior that fuels the “quiet quitting” trend, where employees mentally check out and do the bare minimum.
A 2023 Gallup study found that these “quiet quitters” make up at least 50% of the U.S. workforce. It’s a massive, collective “no” to unsustainable hustle culture.
Reframe “no” as a strategic tool. Every time you say “yes” to a non-essential task, you’re saying “no” to your own high-priority projects. Your time and energy are finite resources. Begin employing this mental script: “When I say ‘no’ to this new request, I am saying ‘yes’ to completing my current priorities with excellence.” A “no” isn’t a rejection; it’s a declaration of focus.
Recognize the Influence You Already Have
Here’s a secret that will change everything: you’re way more persuasive than you think. Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of You Have More Influence Than You Think, found that we consistently underestimate our own influence.
In her studies, people estimated that they’d have to ask 20 people to have five fill out a questionnaire. In reality? They only had to ask 10. We are four times as likely to we will get a “yes” as we think we are. People-pleasing is often an attempt to obtain control that we believe we lack. We are either too nice or we’re such pushovers because we think that’s the only way we’ll get someone to agree with us. Bohns’ research demonstrates that this entire basis is a cognitive mistake.
Stop acting from a place of perceived weakness. Your words already have weight. Your presence is already felt. Approach requests and conversations with the quiet confidence that you are already influential, and you’ll find you don’t need the extra song and dance of people-pleasing.
Master the Art of the “Strategic No”
Okay, so you’re ready to say “no.” But how, exactly? You don’t need a five-minute-long, apologetic explanation. You need a few clear, polite, and firm scripts. The Power Move is to pick a script, practice it, and use it. The less you say, the more confident you sound. For example, when a boss asks for a last-minute report, instead of the people-pleaser’s instinct to say, “Yes, of course, I’ll stay late!” a better script is, “To ensure I do a great job, let’s look at my current priorities. Which should I move to accommodate this?”.
When a colleague asks for a “quick favor,” instead of saying yes, you could say, “I can’t right now, I’m on a deadline, but I’m available at 3 PM for 10 minutes.” When invited to participate in a project that you don’t have the bandwidth to handle, rather than attempting to make it work, a clear response could be, “Thanks for considering me, but I’m at capacity and wouldn’t be able to give this the attention that it needs.”
And if you’re invited to a meeting you don’t need to attend, you can politely decline with, “Based on the agenda, it seems my input isn’t critical. I’ll skip this one but please send me the notes.”
Use Nedra Glover Tawwab’s 3-Step Boundary Process
Relationship therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab is the queen of boundaries, and she has a simple, robust framework for putting them into practice. People-pleasers often think setting a boundary is a big, scary, one-time confrontation. It’s not. It’s a practice.
The Power Move is to follow Tawwab’s three steps from her TED talk. First, you must identify the need for a boundary. You can do this by noticing where you feel resentment, frustration, or burnout. That feeling is a flashing neon sign that a boundary is needed. Second, you set the boundary in motion with new habits.
This is the action, not a dramatic announcement. It’s a quiet change in your behavior, such as deciding, “I don’t check emails after 6 PM” or “I work in focused 30-minute blocks and check Slack afterward.” Finally, and most importantly, you have to stick to it. As Tawwab says, “When you respond to emails… out of those bounds, you’re teaching people that the boundary isn’t real.” Consistency is everything.
Define Your Work Hours (and Actually Stick to Them)
In today’s remote and hybrid world, the distinction between work and life has become increasingly blurred. This is a disaster for people-pleasers. Data shows that 61% of remote workers find it more difficult to “unplug,” and 53% are working more hours than they did in the office.
Create a hard stop. Your workday needs a clear beginning and a distinct end. Communicate your hours to your team. Put a note in your email signature like, “My working hours are 9 AM to 5 PM. I will respond to your message during that time”.
Use your “do not disturb” or “focus time” features on Slack and your calendar. And most importantly, model the behavior. If you don’t want weekend emails, don’t send them.
Deploy Strategic Silence
People-pleasers hate silence. It feels awkward and tense, so we rush to fill it—usually by agreeing to something we don’t want to do.
But silence can be a powerful tool. When you’re faced with an unreasonable request, pausing for 3-5 seconds before responding can completely change the dynamic. It signals that you’re being thoughtful, and it often makes the other person uncomfortable with the weight of their own ask.
Get comfortable with the pause. When a colleague makes a big ask, take a visible, deep breath. Let the silence hang for a moment. Then, calmly say, “Let me think about the best way to approach that.” Often, the other person will jump in to soften their request before you even have to.
Learn to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable
Staying silent when you have a dissenting opinion isn’t being nice; it’s withholding valuable information that could save your team from a mistake. As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind”.
Decouple the idea from the person. You’re not attacking your colleague; you’re stress-testing their concept for the good of the team. You can do this by framing your point with curiosity, such as asking, “I’m curious what would happen if we approached it this way…”.
Another tactic is to find common ground first: “I love the goal of what you’re proposing. However, I have a different opinion about how to do it. May I share it?” You may also depersonalize the discussion by stating: “Permit me to be the cynic…”.
Take Credit for Your Work (Without the Cringe)
People-pleasers are masters of the self-deprecating downplay. “Oh, it was nothing,” or “It was a team effort” (while giving away all the credit). This modesty is killing your career.
A McKinsey study found that a lack of career advancement was the number one reason people quit their jobs. If you’re not seen as a key contributor, you won’t be considered for key opportunities.
Brag with facts, not feelings. Show, don’t just tell. Instead of telling someone that you’re a fantastic leader, share a related example by saying something like, “On the last project I led the team to deliver on time and 10% under budget.” Put numbers to whatever you can. For example, “I was able to help increase our client base by 30% last quarter” hits way harder than being nebulous. And when you share credit, do so strategically: “I’m proud of our team’s launch. I led the marketing team, and it was a great experience working with Sarah, who created the new landing page. This demonstrates that you’re an attuned leader, not an egomaniac.
Ask for What You’re Worth (and Negotiate)
This is where people-pleasing hits you directly in the wallet. There’s also a gender dynamic at play. Men are also more likely to start salary negotiations than women. But here’s what’s interesting, and it is that this gender difference in negotiation completely disappears when the job ad says the salary is negotiable.”
This shows that the barrier isn’t an inability; it’s the fear of breaking a social norm. People-pleasers are terrified of seeming “demanding.”
Permit yourself. Treat negotiation as a standard, expected business conversation, not a conflict. Come prepared with data on market rates and frame your ask around your value: “Based on my contributions to Project X, which resulted in Y% growth, and my research on market rates, I am seeking a salary in the range of Z.”
Stop Apologizing for Taking Up Space
“Sorry to bother you…” “Sorry, just a quick question…” “Sorry, this might be a stupid idea, but…” People-pleasers use “sorry” as a shield to soften their presence. What you’re doing is just signalling to others that your own needs are bothersome..
Swap “sorry” for a more confident phrase. For instance, instead of saying, “Sorry to bother you,” try a more confident phrase like, “Excuse me, do you have a moment?” Swap “Sorry for the delay” with “Thank you for your patience.”
And rather than “Sorry, this is confusing,” ask, “Can you help me understand this part?” Challenge yourself to go one full day at work without saying “sorry” for a routine action. You’ll be amazed at how it shifts your mindset and how people respond to you.
Contribute Your Ideas Early in Meetings
Ever sat through a whole meeting with a great idea in your head, but the “perfect” moment to share it never came? The longer you wait, the more your anxiety builds, and the harder it is to speak up.
Be the second or third person to speak. Seriously. It doesn’t have to be a mind-blowing, original thought. You can ask a clarifying question or build on what someone else said. Try this: “That’s a great point, David. To build on that, have we considered how this will impact the marketing team?”
Breaking the seal of silence early on reduces your own anxiety and establishes you as an active participant from the start.
Let Others Have Their “Productive Struggle”
A colleague is struggling with a task. Your people-pleasing instinct is to jump in and rescue them. Don’t.
When you constantly fix other people’s problems, you deprive them of the opportunity to learn and create a cycle of dependency. They never have to face the consequences of their own disorganization or lack of skill, because you’re always there to clean up the mess.
Coach, don’t rescue. Instead of grabbing the keyboard and doing it for them, ask empowering questions. You might ask, “What have you tried so far?”, “What do you think the next step should be?”, or “Where are you getting stuck?” This is a more powerful form of help. You’re helping them build their own competence, which is better for them and frees up your time.
Handle Pushback with Poise and Professionalism
You’ve set a boundary, and someone—maybe even your boss—is pushing back. This is the final boss battle for a people-pleaser. Don’t retreat.
Stay calm and treat it like a negotiation, not a confrontation. One effective method is the “Calm Repeat.” If a colleague ignores your “no,” repeat your original statement calmly without adding extra justification: “As I said, I’m at capacity right now”.
Another approach is the “Solution-Oriented Pivot,” especially with a boss. You can hold your boundary while offering a solution: “I realize this is a priority. I can’t do it tonight, but it will be the very first thing I do in the morning. Will that work?”. This demonstrates that you are trying to solve problems, not simply saying no.
Choose Courage Over Comfort
At its heart, people-pleasing is about choosing comfort. It’s about avoiding the discomfort of a tough conversation, the discomfort of potential disapproval, the discomfort of vulnerability.
Brené Brown defines integrity as “choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy”. She also reminds us that “vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage”.
Ask yourself at any moment: “Is this choice that I’m about to make one out of courage, or is it one out of comfort?” Am I doing it because “yes” is in the best interest of the project (or, for that matter, my health or sanity — even if what it is stalling is personally meaningful to me in a way the project is not), or because I’m too scared of the apparently horrific five minutes of potential discomfort that saying No would involve? Opting for courage, over and over, is how you cultivate a career — and a life — worthy of honor and respect.
“Quiet Quit” the Need to Go Above and Beyond 24/7
Let’s end with the trend that’s shaking up the workplace. “Quiet quitting” isn’t about being lazy. It’s about rejecting the toxic “hustle culture” that demands you make your job your entire life. It’s the ultimate stand against a system that preys on people-pleasers.
This isn’t just a Gen Z fad; it’s a massive cultural shift. The burnout from being “always on” is real, and it’s expensive. Disengaged employees cost the global economy a mind-boggling $8.8 trillion in lost productivity.
Consciously decide what “above and beyond” means for you. It should be a strategic choice you make on high-impact projects that you’re passionate about, not your default setting for every single task that lands on your desk. Reclaim your evenings. Take your vacation. Redefine your worth by the quality of your work, not the quantity of your hours. That’s not just good for you; it’s good for business.
Key Takeaway
Ditching people-pleasing does not mean becoming a different person. It’s all about enhancing your awesomeness and becoming more of who you are meant to be: the confident, focused, respected professional. Power isn’t about pleasing everyone; it’s about respecting yourself, and actual influence comes from authenticity, not accommodation.
Boundaries are not walls; they are guidelines that teach others how to interact with you successfully and are your best defense against burnout. Shift from a giver who burns out to a giver who endures; you can be a generous, valuable team player while still protecting your own energy and ambition. Finally, remember that your voice matters. Choosing courage over comfort by speaking up, disagreeing respectfully, and taking credit for your work is the foundation of real career growth.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
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How to Save on International Money Transfers: What Banks Don’t Tell You
How to Save on International Money Transfers
Normally, I’d question the secret fees that are hidden in my bank’s international money transfer services. While banks sometimes advertise low transfer fees, they usually do not mention the substantial exchange rate margins that quietly siphon money out of your funds. It shouldn’t be expensive to send money overseas.
I’ve discovered seven practical strategies anyone can use to save on international money transfers. Whether you’re sending a hundred dollars to a family member or paying for a service in a foreign country, these tactics will help you hold onto more of your hard-earned cash.
