Let’s be real for a second. Parenting is hard. Like, really hard. It feels like we’re constantly juggling a million things, and the pressure is immense. If you’re feeling stressed, you’re not alone.
It’s no wonder we’re worried. We’re raising kids in a world where youth mental health is a growing crisis. According to the CDC in 2023, 4 out of 10 high school students reported feeling persistently sad or hopeless. We all want to do what’s best for our kids. However, even with the best intentions, we fall into habits that might not be helping.
This isn’t a list to make you feel guilty. Not at all. Consider it as a kindly reminder, a means to cast your light on some of the normal, unobtrusive habits that we all do and that which research advises can lead to unforeseen outcomes.. It’s about being mindful and empowered, not perfect.
Praising Their Intelligence, Not Their Effort
We’ve all done it. Your kid aces a test, and the first thing you say is, “You’re so smart!” It feels like the right thing to do, right? An all-around confidence builder, but here’s the twist.
Research by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck reveals that this sort of praise can have the opposite effect. She found that it fosters what she calls a “fixed mindset”—the belief that your intelligence is a fixed trait you’re just born with.
When kids believe they’re just “naturally smart,” they become terrified of challenges. Why? Because if they don’t succeed, that’s not just a failure on the test: It’s proof they’re not smart after all. All of who they are is threatened.
The alternative? Praise the process. Instead of “You’re a math genius,” try, “I saw how you kept trying different strategies on that problem. Your persistence really paid off!” This teaches them that their success is in their own hands. Dweck notes that emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. This is because they see themselves as in control of their success.
Comparing Them to Their Siblings (or Anyone Else)
“Why can’t you be more organized like your brother?” It’s a phrase that might slip out in a moment of frustration, but its impact can linger. To compare is to turn family into a competition.
It shows that love and acceptance are limited resources and that you have to be better than someone to get that love and acceptance. The praised child feels the pressure to remain ahead, and the other feels scorn and “lesser than.”The child who is praised feels the pressure to stay on top, while the other child feels resentful and “less than.”
This isn’t just a feeling; it has real consequences. Studies have linked parental favoritism and high sibling conflict to increased rates of depression, anxiety, and loneliness that can last well into adulthood. It can even become a self-fulfilling prophecy, with parental beliefs about which child is “smarter” or “more athletic” leading to actual differences in performance over time.
Rather than comparing, tell what you are looking at. “I see you’ve put all your toys back in the bin. That’s a huge help,” is so much more powerful than, “You’re finally being neat like your sister.” This method honors each child’s unique growth and saves the one thing that matters most: the children’s connection to each other.
Living Your Unfulfilled Dreams Through Them
It is natural to want to give our kids the opportunities we never had. However, there’s a fine line between supporting their interests and pushing them to fulfill our unfulfilled dreams.
This is what psychologists term as vicarious achievement. The burden on a child is unimaginable because their accomplishments are placed under the weight of making their parent happy, and their failure is the subject of parental disappointment.
What happens if the child actually succeeds? When a child achieves the dream that the parent couldn’t, it can trigger feelings of envy or regret in the parent.
This can cause the parent to subtly withdraw or become critical right at the moment of their child’s biggest success. The child is then trapped in a “double bind”—they’re criticized if they fail, but met with emotional distance if they succeed. They can never truly win.
“Helicoptering” or “Lawnmowing” Their Problems Away
Helicopter parents: These are the kind who hover over their kids and monitor everything. However, now there is a new term: “lawnmower parents.” These parents don’t just hover; they actively mow down any obstacle in their child’s path before they even get to it.
This looks like calling a teacher to argue about a B+, doing their science project for them, or arranging their playdates well into middle school. It comes from a place of love and a desire to protect them from hardship.
As Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Stanford dean and author of How to Raise an Adult, says, “Overparenting hurts our children and it harms us, too. Parents today are scared, not to mention exhausted, anxious, and depressed”.
The solution? Become consultants rather than their managers. They should be allowed to encounter age-related problems and know that they can do things without the assistance of others.
Fixing All Their Mistakes (And Not Letting Them Fail)
Your child forgot their lunch. Your first instinct is to drop everything and race to the school. It feels like the right thing to do, but by “rescuing” them, we’re robbing them of a powerful learning opportunity.
It is what the author Jessica Lahey has described as “The Gift of Failure.” Errors and failures are not tragedies, she says, but simply the very experiences she draws upon to teach resilience, resourcefulness, and perseverance.
When we constantly fix their mistakes, we’re sending a subtle but powerful message: “You’re not capable of handling this on your own.” This cuts down their self-esteem, and they do not learn how to handle situations.
Even when they do fail, our work isn’t to fix it, so much as it is to support them through it. Ask questions like, “That didn’t go as planned. What did you learn?” or “What might you do differently next time?” This reformulates the ideas about failure as a learning and growing step rather than an end of the road.
Overscheduling Their Lives (And Eliminating Downtime)
Soccer practice on Monday, piano on Tuesday, tutoring on Wednesday, scouts on Thursday… Sound familiar? In our hyper-competitive culture, it’s easy to believe that a packed schedule is the key to success.
But we’re learning that all this structured time is squeezing out something essential: unstructured play and downtime. Research by ResearchGate shows that free, child-led play is necessary for developing creativity, problem-solving skills, and social-emotional intelligence.
The decline in free play is staggering. Children’s unstructured outdoor playtime has plummeted from hours a day in previous generations to mere minutes for some kids today. At the same time, rates of youth anxiety and depression have skyrocketed.
Being Inconsistent with Discipline
One day, you let the kids jump on the couch because it is a battle you’re too tired to fight. The next day, you grounded them for it. Or perhaps Mom is the stern one in the household, and Dad serves as the easy touch. This inconsistency is confusing and stresses kids out.
Consistency is the cornerstone of effective discipline. It’s what makes children feel secure. As parenting expert Mark Merrill advises, most teens thrive when clear and unmovable boundaries are in place, because it’s the one anchor in their otherwise turbulent lives.
When rules are inconsistent, children never learn self-regulation. What they do learn, however, is how to test and manipulate. They derive that the result doesn’t turn on their behavior but on a parent’s mood or which parent is on call. This can encourage them to “play one parent off against the other” – a classic ploy that can weaken your parental authority and create strife.
Arguing in Front of Them (The Wrong Way)
Let’s bust a myth: you don’t have to be a perfect couple who never disagrees. In fact, seeing parents resolve a conflict constructively can be suitable for kids. The problem isn’t conflict; it’s destructive conflict. This includes yelling, insults, name-calling, giving the silent treatment, or slamming doors.
Children exposed to frequent, hostile fighting in kindergarten are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and behavioral problems by the seventh grade. This chronic stress can even affect their physical health, leading to sleep problems, headaches, and stomachaches.
Children who observe a fight and then observe their parents making up are actually happier than before they saw the fight. It sends a message to kids that parents can work it out. So, if you argue, make sure they also see you apologize, compromise, and show affection afterward. That’s a powerful life lesson.
Invalidating Their Feelings
“You’re fine.” “Stop crying.” “It’s not a big deal.” Well-intended phrases, directed at a hot and bothered child, cause more harm than good. They are just a couple of different ways in which children’s feelings are invalidated – ways we tell children that what they feel is wrong, unimportant, or too much to bear.
The child who is told by a trusted parent (“You have no reason to be sad”) that his or her reality (“I am sad”) is not OK internalizes a lack of trust in his or her own emotions. They might begin to think that what they are feeling is negative or shameful, so they bottle it up.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, suggests the “Two Things Are True” approach: “You’re upset and mad at me… I hear that… And you cannot watch that movie”. This simple shift teaches a vital lesson: all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.
Making Them Your Emotional Confidant
When a parent is going through a tough time—a divorce, financial stress, problems at work—it can be tempting to lean on their child for support. But turning your child into your therapist, best friend, or marriage counselor is a form of emotional abuse called “parentification”.
This role reversal forces a child to take on adult emotional burdens they are not equipped to handle. Their own developmental needs get pushed aside as they learn that their job is to manage the parents’ feelings.
Dr. Pat Love, a family therapist, calls this “backwards parenting.” She explains that if the child feels responsible for your happiness or your emotional well-being, they can’t be a child. The long-term effects are serious.
Adults who were parentified as children often struggle with anxiety, depression, setting boundaries, and forming healthy relationships. They may be drawn to partners who “need” them, unconsciously repeating the caretaking role they were forced into as a child.
“Phubbing” Them for Your Phone
“Phubbing”—a mash-up of “phone” and “snubbing”—is that all-too-familiar scene. This happens when a child is trying to tell you something, but you and you half-listen, eyes glued to your phone.
This constant digital distraction, also called “technoference,” is more than just rude. It disrupts the fundamental building blocks of connection. For a child, this feels like rejection. Studies have linked parental phubbing to a whole host of issues in kids, including anxiety, depression, aggression, social withdrawal, and even worse sleep quality.
The solution isn’t to throw away our phones, but to be more intentional. Create phone-free times and zones—like the dinner table or the first 30 minutes after school. When you’re with your kids, try to be fully present. That focused attention is what truly builds a strong connection.
“Sharenting” Their Entire Childhood Online
From the first ultrasound to daily school drop-offs, sharenting is when parents share their child’s whole life online. Children have a digital footprint before they can walk or talk, let alone give consent.
This raises serious concerns about privacy and safety. Barclays Bank predicts that by 2030, sharenting will be responsible for two-thirds of identity fraud cases. But the psychological impact is just as concerning. By creating a detailed public persona for a child, parents can inadvertently hijack their child’s identity formation.
The best practice is to think before you post. Ask for your child’s permission. Avoid sharing embarrassing or sensitive information, and consider using private groups or photo-sharing services for family and close friends.
Talking Negatively About Your Own Body
“I’m so fat in these jeans,” or “I was so bad today, and I had a cookie.”
Offhand comments like these are devastating when said in front of children. Parents are the most important role models for body image, and hearing parents speak negatively of their bodies conveys the inappropriate view that it’s OK.
When kids hear parents tie food to morality (eating “good” or “bad”), they learn that approval and love are conditional on what they eat and how heavy they weigh.. They internalize the belief that their value is tied to their appearance.
To foster a healthy body image, shift the conversation. Discuss your body in terms of what it can do to support you—running, playing, hugging—rather than how it appears. Additionally, adopt the position of food neutrality. Instead of labeling foods good and evil, talk about how some give you vitality and make your body feel solid.
Lying to Them (Even “White Lies”)
“The playground is closed today.” “If you don’t behave, I’ll call Santa.” “That drawing is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!”
When what a parent says keeps amounting to a challenge of a child’s reality (the shot did hurt, the playground is not open), it can be a variant, in a way, of inadvertent gaslighting. So a child learns not to trust their own experiences and their own judgment to stay connected to a parent. This can result in an adult who distrusts themselves and is more vulnerable to manipulation.
The alternative is to be honest, even when it’s hard. Instead of a false threat, state a real consequence. Instead of false praise, offer specific, descriptive praise. And instead of lying to avoid a tough conversation, validate their feelings and hold the boundary.
Ignoring What’s in Their Food
Have you ever noticed that the same snack can have different ingredients in the U.S. than it does in Europe? That’s because the two regions have fundamentally different approaches to food safety.
The European Union operates on the “precautionary principle”—if there’s scientific uncertainty about an ingredient’s safety, they err on the side of caution and ban or restrict it. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), on the other hand, generally uses a risk-based approach, which often requires proof of harm before an additive is removed.
This regulatory gap puts a significant burden on parents to become amateur food detectives. While it’s impossible to avoid everything, being aware of some of the most debated additives can help you make more informed choices at the grocery store.
Key Takeaway
Parenting isn’t about getting everything perfect; it’s about being present, aware, and willing to learn. Many of these common behaviors come from a place of love and a desire to protect our kids.
Proper protection comes from equipping them with the skills they need for life. By making small shifts—praising effort over intelligence, allowing for failure, validating feelings, setting consistent boundaries, and being mindful of our own actions—we can move away from parenting out of fear and toward raising children who are not just successful. We can also help them be resilient, confident, and emotionally whole.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
Like our content? Be sure to follow us
5 Easy Steps to Change Any Habit
5 Easy Steps to Change Any Habit
We all click on them with the hope that just THIS time the secret to changing a bad habit or adopting a healthy one will be revealed and we’ll finally be able to stick to that diet, stop that one or ten things that might in the moment make us feel temporarily good but really just make us fat, unhealthy, sad, mad or just frustrated with ourselves.
Well… this isn’t one of those articles. I don’t have five easy steps to help you change your habits….
How to Save on International Money Transfers: What Banks Don’t Tell You
How to Save on International Money Transfers
Normally, I’d question the secret fees that are hidden in my bank’s international money transfer services. While banks sometimes advertise low transfer fees, they usually do not mention the substantial exchange rate margins that quietly siphon money out of your funds. It shouldn’t be expensive to send money overseas.
I’ve discovered seven practical strategies anyone can use to save on international money transfers. Whether you’re sending a hundred dollars to a family member or paying for a service in a foreign country, these tactics will help you hold onto more of your hard-earned cash.
