We all know relationships are about give and take, right? A little compromise here, a little support there. But let’s be real. There’s a very fine line between a partner asking for a favor and a partner asking you to diminish yourself once again.
What if “Can you do this for me?” feels more and more like a command rather than a plea? Respect is not mere politeness. It translates psychologically as “valuing their feelings and their views, even if you don’t agree with them,” and “accepting them on an equal footing.” You see your partner as a complete individual rather than a project to be fixed or an accessory to manage. Disrespectful requests often wear clever disguises. They can sound like love (“I’m just worried about you!”) or concern (“I’m only doing this because I care!”). But underneath, the motivation is often about control, and it usually comes from their own insecurities, not any fundamental deficiencies on your part.
As the wise Mona Sutphen once said, “Most good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.” So, let’s unpack the seemingly innocent “asks” that can slowly erode that foundation. It is not about nitpicking: it’s about spotting the patterns that have the power to wreak havoc on your self-worth.
They “Ask” for Your Passwords and to See Your Phone
“Hey, if you’ve got nothing to hide, you won’t mind if I just scroll through your phone, right? What’s your Instagram password again?” This isn’t a request; it’s a loyalty test disguised as a casual question. It immediately puts you on the defensive and frames your fundamental right to privacy as suspicious behavior.
And it’s more common than you’d think. Research shows that 1 in 8 people (12%) in relationships have been digitally harassed by a partner, with monitoring online activity being a top offense.
Consider this: the request itself states, “I don’t believe your words, so I need to verify your actions.” This shifts the dynamic from a partnership to a surveillance state, turning your partner into a parole officer. You end up feeling like you constantly have to prove your innocence, which is exhausting and breeds resentment.
They “Suggest” What You Should (and Shouldn’t) Wear
“Are you really going out in that? It’s a little… much, don’t you think? You know I prefer you in something more classic.” This is often presented as a fashion tip, but it’s actually an attempt to control your self-expression and how you present yourself to the world.
This kind of controlling behavior is a serious warning sign. Therapist Rod Smith is even more direct, saying, “A man who wants to dictate how you dress will also want to tell you how to think, feel, and see before long. Love and control are not even in the same family.”
Let’s be honest: this ask is never really about the clothes. This is a case of controlling their own jealousy and insecurity. In trying to control your appearance, they’re seeking to maintain your body and your autonomy, to make you feel like an extension of their ego rather than an individual human being.
They Expect You to Ditch Your Friends or Family for Them
“Do you have to see them again tonight? I was hoping we could just hang out. Besides, I don’t think they’re a very good influence on you.” The timeless maneuver of making your support system fight with your relationship, and painting you into a corner where you have to make a choice. It’s a small and subtle way to start isolating you.
Isolation is a key tactic in what experts call coercive control. The Power and Control Wheel, a tool used to understand domestic violence, lists “controlling what she does, who she sees” and “limiting her outside involvement” as core abusive behaviors.
The real goal here isn’t more quality time; it’s to cut you off from outside perspectives. An isolated person is far more dependent on their partner for everything, including validation, support, and even their sense of reality. This dependency gives the controlling partner immense power and makes it much harder to leave if things get worse.
They Want a Minute-by-Minute Account of Your Day
“Why didn’t you text back? Where are you? Who are you with?” (Rinse and repeat, all day long.) This is often disguised as caring, but it’s really a form of surveillance that screams a total lack of trust. This isn’t just an annoying habit; it’s a widespread control tactic.
Psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., calls this “emotional monitoring.” He warns that instead of feeling cared for, “you may start feeling tense or on edge.” It creates an “illusion of control” for your partner that’s actually just feeding their own anxiety.
Basically, you’re being asked to manage their emotions for them. Every text you send is a little dose of reassurance to calm their insecurity. This dynamic is not only exhausting for you, but it also prevents them from learning to manage their own anxiety. It creates a parent-child dynamic where you have to constantly check in, which is the opposite of a partnership between equals.
They “Need” You to Change Your Hobbies and Interests
“I just don’t get why you waste so much time on [your hobby]. Wouldn’t it be more fun to do [their hobby] with me instead?” This request subtly dismisses the things that bring you joy and make you who you are. It suggests that your passions are only valid if they can be shared or approved.
While shared interests are significant, one Pew Research Center study found that 64% of couples believe shared interests helped their marriage succeed; that doesn’t mean you have to be clones of each other.
When a partner pressures you to drop a hobby, it’s often because they feel threatened by that slice of your life they can’t control. It’s another form of isolation, sending the message that your individual happiness should come from them and them alone. A healthy partner wants you to be a whole, fulfilled person, not a watered-down version of yourself.
They Insist on Handling All the Money
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about the bills. I’ve got it. Just let me handle all our finances, it’s just easier that way.” This can sound so generous at first, right? Like they’re taking a burden off your shoulders. But it can quickly become a powerful tool for control, leaving you in the dark and entirely dependent.
This is a massive, flashing red light warning sign. According to the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Abuse (PCADV), Financial abuse occurs in a staggering 98% of abusive relationships and is the number one reason victims feel they can’t leave. Even more shocking? 78% of Americans don’t even recognize it as a form of domestic violence.
Financial abuse is when one partner controls the other’s “ability to access, acquire, use or maintain economic resources,” and it results in “intentional dependence.”
Make no mistake, this is a strategic move. By controlling all the financial information, they strip you of your autonomy. Your ability to leave the relationship is severely crippled if you have no access to any money and have no idea what you own together. Financial transparency is a cornerstone of a respectful, egalitarian partnership.
They Constantly “Request” You Do Things Their Way
“Ugh, just let me do it. It’s faster if I do it the right way.” This happens with everything, such as loading the dishwasher, folding the towels, and planning a trip. It’s constant, low-grade criticism disguised as “helpfulness.”
This isn’t just about being a perfectionist. People with overcontrolled traits often have rigid ideas of “how things should be” and can become highly critical when a partner deviates from their script. And the reason behind it might surprise you. Research from psychologist Gabriele Melli suggests that this kind of extreme criticism can be driven by vulnerable narcissism. It’s not that they think they’re perfect; it’s that they feel deeply flawed themselves and “need their partner as a prop so that they can feel better about themselves.”
So when they need the towels their way, it’s not quite about the towels. It is about their own internal anxiety. Your new way of doing things threatens their order and control. The message this gives over time is clear: You are wrong, and you can’t be trusted. That’s not a partnership; that’s a boss and employee relationship.
They Pressure You for Sex When You’re Not in the Mood
“Come on, don’t be like that. It’s been a while. Can’t you just do this one thing for me?” Let’s call this what it is: sexual coercion. This request dismisses your bodily autonomy and reframes sex as a transaction, a duty you owe them, rather than a shared, intimate experience.
And it is disturbingly common. Data shows that an estimated 13% of women and 6% of men have experienced sexual coercion, which is defined as “unwanted sexual penetration after being pressured in a nonphysical way.” This includes being “worn down by someone who repeatedly asked for sex.”
This kind of pressure completely misunderstands consent. It implies that a “no” is just a starting point for negotiation. It puts their sexual needs ahead of your emotional well-being and bodily autonomy. Being placed in this position over and over again can make you feel like an object for their pleasure, which is hugely destructive to trust and intimacy. In a healthy relationship, a ‘‘no’’ is a ‘‘no,’’ end of story.
They Expect You to Just “Get Over” Your Feelings
“You’re being way too sensitive. It’s not a big deal. Can we just drop it and move on?”This is emotional invalidation, pure and simple. It’s the simple refusal to accept that you have legitimate feelings. It’s as if they’re informing you that your emotional reality is simply … wrong.
Therapist Moshe Ratson has called this “the silent killer of relationships.” He says that if your experiences are constantly invalidated, you can develop a sense that you are “insignificant, invisible, or even unlovable.” Comments such as “you’re overreacting” are textbook examples of this toxic behavior.
This is a subtle form of blame-shifting. Suddenly, the problem isn’t what they did to upset you; it’s your “inappropriate” reaction. This destroys the emotional safety that’s essential for real intimacy.
They “Joke” About Your Flaws and Ask You to Lighten Up
“Relax, it was just a joke! God, you’re so sensitive. I was only teasing.” This is a classic passive-aggressive tactic. It uses “humor” as a shield to deliver a stinging criticism, and then when you get hurt, you’re the one with the problem because you “can’t take a joke.”
This is a double-whammy attack. First, they insult you. Then, they invalidate your hurt feelings. It’s a way to put you down while making themselves look like the fun, easygoing one. Remember, this kind of behavior is a sign of contempt; one of Dr. John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” that are strong predictors of divorce.
They Make Big Plans Without Asking You First
“Surprise! I booked us a two-week trip to my parents’ place for the holidays!” Or, “Hey, just so you know, I told my boss I’d take on that project that requires me to travel for the next six months.”
This isn’t a fun surprise; it’s a unilateral decision that completely bypasses you as an equal partner. It treats you like a passenger in your own life, not a co-pilot. Healthy relationships are built on egalitarian decision-making. In fact, studies show that relationships with an equal division of power report lower levels of conflict, control, and violence.
When a partner makes a huge decision without you, they are sending an obvious message: “I don’t value your opinion, so I’m going to take charge and do whatever I want.” This behavior asserts dominance. It communicates that your time, your preferences, and your right to have a say in your own future are secondary to their whims. A partnership is a joint venture. When one person starts acting like the sole CEO, it’s no longer a partnership—it’s a hierarchy.
They Expect You to Handle the Lion’s Share of Chores
This one is often an unstated “request”—a silent expectation that you’ll be the one to notice the trash is overflowing, remember the dog’s vet appointment, and plan dinner. This isn’t just about laziness; it’s a profound disrespect for your time and energy.
Even though more women are in the workforce than ever before, they still carry a disproportionate amount of the household burden.
And it’s not just the physical tasks. It’s the “mental load,” an endless, invisible to-do list of planning and organizing, that keeps a household running. When one person is expected to carry it all, it sends the message that their time and mental space are less valuable. This is a top-tier reason for marital dissatisfaction and even divorce.
They Use Threats (Even “Small” Ones) to Get What They Want
“If you go out with your friends tonight, don’t be surprised if I’m not here when you get back.” Or, “If you don’t agree to this, I’ll just leave.” Let’s be crystal clear: this is not a request. It’s an ultimatum. It’s manipulation that uses fear to get you to comply.
Threats are a cornerstone of coercive control. The Power and Control Wheel model lists “making and/or carrying out threats” and “threatening to leave” as fundamental tactics of abuse. Experts define an abusive relationship as one where a person uses “threatening, hurtful words and behaviors to control a partner.”
There is no such thing as a “small” threat in a relationship. Any statement designed to control you through fear destroys the emotional safety that a partnership is supposed to provide. It turns your relationship from a haven into a source of constant anxiety. It’s a serious violation of respect and a sign of a deeply unhealthy—and potentially dangerous—dynamic.
They Give You the Silent Treatment Until You Give In
This is the unspoken request: “I will withdraw all affection and communication until you do what I want.” The silent treatment isn’t about needing space to cool down. It’s a manipulative punishment designed to make you so uncomfortable that you cave.
This behavior is a form of psychological aggression, which, as we’ve seen, nearly half of all adults have experienced. It’s also a form of “stonewalling,” another of Dr. Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Silent treatment is an “intentional“ act used to “punish, control, or express displeasure.” It’s a power game that weaponizes your desire for connection.
By deliberately ignoring you, your partner creates intense feelings of rejection, anxiety, and guilt. The silence continues until you finally give in, which only teaches them that this toxic tactic works. It’s an awful cycle where the real problems are never solved – you train yourself to ignore your own needs rather than face the punishment that you’ll be ignored.
Key Takeaway
At the end of the day, a partner’s requests should make you feel seen and valued, not managed and controlled. If their “asks” consistently leave you feeling small, anxious, or like you’re losing pieces of yourself, that’s not a request—it’s a red flag.
Respect is about equality, not power. Healthy requests come from a place of true partnership, not dominance. Your feelings and autonomy are non-negotiable. A loving partner respects your boundaries, your independence, and your right to your own emotional reality. Control is rooted in insecurity, not strength. Understanding this doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you see that it’s not about your flaws.
Trust your gut. If a request feels disrespectful, it probably is. Recognizing these patterns is the first, most powerful step toward building a relationship based on the mutual respect you absolutely deserve.
Disclaimer – This list is solely the author’s opinion based on research and publicly available information. It is not intended to be professional advice.
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